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^ Book of Ballads 




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Ci^arleji (©orDon i^oget^ 



GOVERNMENT 
CLERKS ^ ^ 

A BOOK of BALLADS 
By Charles Gordon Rogers 




International Copyright 1902 by Charles Gordon Rogers 

Press o/'Andrew H. Kellogg 
409 Pearl Street <# fi New York 



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THE LIBRARY f>F 

0ONG«ESS, 
Two COPifcS ReceivsB 

FEB. 26" 1902 

CliPYBteHT ENTRY 

CLA39 «. XXa No. 
COPY Q. 



CONTENTS. 

Aurelia 3 

Ballad of Monsieur L'Tweeleree 18 

Diaphanous Day 31 

Double Foolscap 38 

Gubbins 27 

Jack O'Dee 26 

Jim Potter 12 

Punctual 33 

Richard and Robert 11 

Stella 24 

Superannuated 16 

Tapeley 35 

Tickety-Touch 8 

The Wise Guy 21 

The Workaday Government Clerk 1 

Young Drivel 5 



The Workaday Government Clerk* 

HERE'S to the workaday government clerk, 
Who does to the government's credit his 
work; 
Trudging each day a monotonous track, 
Forward and backward and forward and back; 
Pegging away at the ancient routine, — 
(Much is accomplished where little is seen); 
Arduous labor and technical work, — 
Here's to the workaday government clerk! 

Here's to the workaday government clerk. 
Gray-headed, bald-headed, florid or dark; 
Stoopy men, droopy men, little and big. 
Work again, home again, jiggety jig! 
Old in the Service or young at the game. 
What are the odds if the end is the same? 
Whether his hope be a flame or a spark, 
Here's to the workaday government clerk! 

Here's to the workaday government clerk. 
Doing his best without shamming or shirk. 
Whether his children or dollars increase. 
Whether he asketh or holdeth his peace. 
Whether he getteth promotion or (p) raise, 
Doing his best to the end of his days. 
Too thorough to fail and too honest to shirk, 
Here's to the workaday government clerk! 

Here's to the workaday government clerk! 
Daily he maketh (on paper) his mark. 
Whether he getteth or not what he ought. 
Earning it, burning it, (comforting thought!) 
Paying his debts with apportioning care. 
Or banking a bit while the weather is fair. 
Making each pay-day his reckoning mark. 
Here's to the workaday government clerk! 



THE WORKADAY GOVERNMENT CLERK. 

Here's to the workaday government clerk! 

The people employ him, and scoff at his work. 

If he go shabby, "a miserly blade! " 

If he dress well, "Ah, too well is he paid! " 

His affairs unofficial are his, and alone; 

He's doing your business and minding his own. 

And as long as he does to your credit his work, 

Here is to the workaday government clerk! 




c/lurelia, 

AURELIA Amabel Wray 
Was a typist, expert and fair; 
With limpid and luminous eyes of gray, 
That she used in a wonderful, wondering way. 
And glorious goldene hair. 

Charming Aurelia Wray 

Would make a most lovable rib. 
She was twenty-two on her last birthday, 
(I am going by just what the blue books say), 

And blue books, of course, can't fib. 

Tender Aurelia Wray 

Was soft on a clerk named Wright, 
Who worked in an oflBce across the way, 
Shorthanded, and hard, at a junior's pay. 

And often went back at night. 

Aurelia Amabel Wray 

Was vexed for a Wright good reason. 
For Tie had gone wrong on Fidelia Fay, 
Who " typed " for another department's pay. 

Which was semi-oflBcial treason. 

Lieutenant Aurelia Wray 

Unfettered one morning's mail; 
For the Secretary had Grippe that day, 
And the Chief with his grip had been called away, 

And hangeth thereby my tale. 

Suspicious Aurelia Wray 

Broke the seal of a "confidential"; 
For the writing was feminine, fine and " Fay," 
And she had to see what she had to say, — 

Though she knew it was not essential. 

3 



AVRELIA. 

Smiling Aurelia Wray 

Read the note to its end — fideUter. 
And its end was ashes, and fine, and gray, 
And Fidelia thinks that it went astray, — 

For who in the world could tell it her? 

Strategic Aurelia Wray 

Stole Fidelia's " transfer " thunder. 
And she robed herself in her best array, 
And she added a blush when she called that day, 

Though her own cool cheek lay under. 

Smit with oificial delight 

Was the august Head with Aurelia; 
And he made a memo in black and white, 
When she asked for that " transfer " to work with 
Wright, 

And she got it — to spite Fidelia. 

False, for Aurelia Wray, 

Was Wright to the wronged Fidelia; 
And he works less hard, and for better pay. 
Though he never goes back at night, they say. 

For both are controlled by Aurelia. 






Young drivel 

YOUNG Drivel was a C. S. clerk; 
Young Drivel hated C. S. work; 
That is, the work he'd do each day, 
For which each month he drew his pay. 

Young Drivel came at half-past nine; 
(That is the hour he would sign); 
Young Drivel left quite sharp at four; 
The office did not ask for more. 

Young Drivel hated, as I've said, 
The work undone that gave him bread. 
Young Drivel loved the social swim 
His sinecure afforded him. 

Young Drivel scanned the morning news 
The social column to peruse. 
Young Drivel thought it proper fame 
To find in such a niche his name. 

To driving party, tea, or ball, 
To dinner, rout, or Rideau Hall, 
Young Drivel dearly loved to go. 
And deep in debt to have it so. 

Young Drivel lunched at half-past one. 
Like any other social gun; 
Young Drivel smoked his visage green, 
And sauntered back at three-fifteen. 

Or if he found some pleasure call. 
He would not saunter back at all. 
Perhaps he'd meet some nice young ladies, 
And let the office " go to Hades." 
5 



TOUNO DRIVEL. 

The story in a current mag, 
The glory of a current jag. 
Made proper pastime, that delay 
Evolved into a holiday. 



Or if inclined, he'd take a cue, 
(It was the only one he knew), 
And idle o'er a game of pool, 
(Where anglers often drown the fool). 

Young Drivel met a stranger there. 
He had a most distinguished air, 
And, if appearances may tell, 
He was a tip-top, howling swell. 



Young Drivel asked — I've slipped the name- 
If he would like to have a game; 
And as it was but half-past two. 
The kindly stranger took a cue. 

Young Drivel talked, young Drivel played, 
And marveled at the shots he made! 
The stranger marked, and marveled, too. 
And put more chalk upon his cue. 

Young Drivel talked official woes. 
Relating why he never rose; 
And, with his wrongs before him red. 
He damned the Departmental Head. 

Young Drivel sent for cocktails, too; 
The stranger smiled, and chalked his cue; 
Young Drivel drank, young Drivel talked; 
The sympathetic stranger chalked. 

Young Drivel for more cocktails sent, 
And raved of " pull " and " preferment." 
He told some cock-and-bull tales, too; 
The stranger winked and chalked his cue. 

6 



YOUNG DRIVEL. 

Young Drivel did not come next day 
To work; it was his little way. 
He had, and so he stayed in bed, 
A sort of unofficial " head." 



Young Drivel got a letter there; 

It had a large, official air: 

Seal, frank, and file, and foolscap blue- 

Which seemed to fit young Drivel, too. 



Young Drivel's cure was past belief; 
He went post-haste to see his chief; 
Because that " stranger " chanced to be 
Young Drivel's brand new Deputee ! 




Tickety -Touch* 



COMING along to the time half-way, 
It's a fortnight good, between 
The pay-day past and the next month's pay 
Of the short-in-the-hand long green; 
When you haven't a dollar loaned out to a friend, 

(If you had would it benefit you?) 
And you haven't a bill in your pocket (to spend), 
Why, this is the cud you chew: 

Oh, it's touch! touch! touch! No matter which way 

you turn, 
And it's touch! touch! touch! and bills on your desk 

to burn! 
Whatever your pay or position, or whether you're 

high or low. 
Because you are " in the Service," you're a target 

for Touch and Co. 

It isn't the touch of your creditor, mind, 

For that is a touch that goes; 
He took us on trust, which was going it blind. 

For fuel and food and clothes; 
It isn't the touch of his calling man, 

(Poor beggar, to call so much!) 
It's the manifold touch on the quarter-ly plan. 

The tickety-tickety-touch. 

When it's touch! touch! touch! Please take some 

tickets from me! 
And it's touch! touch! touch! Our church is in debt. 

(So are we! ) 
So sorry you cannot use them, you will miss the 

treat of your life! 
It's the money we want, and the tickets, — (Oh, 

thanks!) we can sell again — to your wife. 



TICKETY-TOUCH. 

There's the touch of the sturdy cripples; 

(How well the poor beggars must feed! ) 
There's the touch of the man who tipples; 

(And werry much, sir, in need! ) 
There's the orphan's appeal, in verses; 

There's the man who is buying a crutch; 
But the frequentest touch on the purse is 

The tickety-tickety-touch. 

And it's touch! touch! touch! for tombola, bazaar 

and ball. 
Where it's touch! touch! touch! and "Charity" cov- 

ereth all. 
Concert and tableaux and " opera," the expenses the 

profits have hived; 
But it's all for the glory of giving, — and the fun the 

performers derived. 

There are touches, on monthly payment. 

For author and magazine; 
There are peddlers of things of raiment; 

There are sellers of soaps that clean; 
There are touches for loans in hallways; 

There are raffles and drawings, and such; 
But the touch that abideth always 

Is the tickety-tickety-touch. 

When it's touch! touch! touch! for the good of our 

Parish P., 
And it's touch! touch! touch! for a trip o'er the 

bounding sea. 
A purse-ian lamb coat for the winter; and a sermon 

for those who shiver 
That it's far less blessed, though warmer, to be the 

receiver than giver. 

There are strawberry socials at Blankville; 

Lawn parties wherever you range; 
Bazaars where the rate on a bank bill 

Is one hundred per cent ea;-change; 
There are touches in suburb and city, 

From the price of a hat to a Hutch; 
So preserve us, good Lord, in thy pity 

From the infinite tickety-touch! 



TIGKETY-TOVCH. 

For it's touch! touch! touch! And they laugh when 
you say you are broke. 

And it's touch! touch! touch! Was there ever a jol- 
lier joke? 

Don't say that your pocket is empty, don't tell 'em 
you cannot go; 

Some friend (poor old muff!) you must "touch" for 
the stuff — but surrender to Touch and Co. 




10 



^chard and ^Ifpbert* 



THERE were two brothers who went to school, 
And Dick was the scholar and Bob the fool; 
Richard and Robert were brothers twain. 
And Richard was known for his bulging brain. 

Richard he studied hard and late, 
Till he earned a third-class certificate, 
And thereby money and more renown, 
For he taught a school in his native town. 

Then Richard he looked, and with longing eyes, 
To a larger sphere and a greater prize; 
And to the city one day went he 
To have a shy at the C. S. E. 

History, spelling, arithmetic. 

Were grist at the mill of the learned Dick; 

And the puzzles in grammar he saw clear through, 

(Though the sort he spoke was a puzzle, too). 

He passed, and his county's kind M. P. 
Passed him on to Department G, 
And there at the minimum third-class pay 
He dreamed of a Deputyship some day. 

He dreamed; but he woke to understand 
That a flourishing, Capital, copper-plate hand 
Was not the sort of a hand, you see, 
That could help in busy Department G; 

That a knowledge, no matter how deep, of " rules," 
The erudition profound of schools. 
While commendable quite in a C. S. clerk. 
Could have little to do with his C. S. work. 

Now, Robert " the fool " (the Devil such tricks 
Will play) had gone into politics; 
And he pleased his Great Party so well that he 
Was made Deputy M. of Department G. 

11 



Jim hotter. 



THE human attribute called Pride 
By varied paths may tread up; 
A sort the satirists deride 
By afl3uence is fed up. 
A score unsettled Honor frets; 
Deuce doubles while he damns his debts; 
The while the poorer Poorboy gets, 
The higher goes his head up. 

Jim Potter was a modest chap, 

Of fashionless pretension; 
For style he did not give a rap. 

Nor needed it a mention. 
The fact was patent as his nose. 
And copyrighted on his clothes, 
From neck to knee, from top to toes, 

And mocked at circumvention. 

From ancient tile to battered boot 
His wear to wear seemed wedded; 

He daily wore the same old suit, 
With trousers short and shredded. 

His overcoat was threadbare-thin; 

He went without a warm within, 

And all because, from source to skin, 
Though chilled, he hated credit. 

His office was his daily care. 

And home his hope of heaven. 
For every evening found him there 

Love's dower to replevin. 
He was the Oberon of toys. 
The god of Nursery and Noise 
Among his little girls and boys, 
(The heir was only seven). 

12 



JIM POTTER. 

His wife was quite another sort, 
And well poor Potter knew it! 

She was the very Queen of Sport, 
And fast did she pursue it! 

She had no sympathy with Jim; 

She loved the social tide and swim, 

And made it Carrie Potter's whim 
To daily dip into it. 



She traveled in the smartest set. 

And set the smartest paces; 
"While Potter, if he chose, might fret 

Or hie to Helen Blazes. 
The men all said — I have forgot — 
'Twas friendly-wise, as like as not; 
Fast friends she had among the lot. 

And all had sung her praises. 

Her goal and Mecca was each state 

And fashionable function; 
She served the shrine of Rich and Great 

With parasitic unction. 
She made her dearest Jimmy call 
And sign their name at Rideau Hall; 
Which was to gall-less Jimmy gall 

And wormwood of compunction. 

She dressed: her figure was the pride 

Of tailoress and hero; 
Gave dinners, drives, " At Homes," and tried 

To entertain like Nero. 
She cut, in deed, a jolly dash 
Without a jolly word of cash. 
Which cut poor Potter like a lash. 

And drove his peace to zero. 

He got into the shavers' hands. 

Although he went unshaven; 
Debt daily dunned with dark demands 

Ill-omened as a raven. 

13 



JIM POTTER. 

So retribution, riding fast 
On wings of warrant, came at last. 
And cast them out in spite of caste. 
Without a hope of haven. 



They got, through Providence, a house, 

Though houseless in location; 
Where Potter thought to change his spouse 

By change of city-way-shun. 
But mortal was her soul's disease. 
For they might strip or starve or freeze, 
It made no difference, if you please, 

In Mrs. Potter's station. 



She fawned at Fashion's frowning gates. 

Though met by cut and parry; 
She filled all Rideau's open dates, 

With Tom and Dick and Harry. 
Her card proclaimed her calling day. 
When she " at home " to " friends " would stay. 
Who, paradoxical to say. 

Did and did not miscarry. 

She had a parlor nine by ten; 

In corners cobwebs clung there; 
It served as nursery and den. 

And clouds nicotian hung there. 
She called it, though, their "drawing-room"; 
There scarce was space to swing a broom; 
But do not, reader dear, assume 

A broom was never swung there. 



It was. For Potter Minimus 

Bestrode and rode it horse-wise; 
Which made that horse-hair parlor thus 

Assume an aspect course-wise. 
And Mrs. P. would make a " start " 
By making little Potter smart — 
I may not name the punished part — 
The broom was wielded force-wise. 

14 



JIM POTTER. 

The place was low. The fever came 
To where they now resided; 

And Mrs. Potter — burning shame! 
To die lay down — and die did. 

Now, Potter's loss was Potter's gain; 

Yet plain he turned to Potter's plain; 

Perhaps good fortune turned his brain, 
For straight he suicided. 

He lost a heaven on earth, to gain 

No other, luckless fellow! 
To follow her must seem a vein 

Of luck extremely yellow. 
Unless the Devil, as he may, 
Finds Tier too warm to have her stay, 
She'll greet him (Potter this will say 

Reversely) with a "Hell-o! " 




15 



Superannuated. 



BEHOLD in me a total wreck, 
Unfit for work, yet strong enough 
To feebly draw my modest check 
And bank a portion of the stuff. 
It seems to me but yesterday 

I superannuated was; 
Yet twenty years have rolled away 
And still my health refutes the " cause. 



I scale at fourteen stone and ten; 

My chest is forty-five, at least; 
I'm fifty at the waist, but then 

Through cutting down I have increased. 
No dreary, dull, ofiicial care. 

The summer season out of town. 
All time his own, and cash to spare, 

Should keep a man from running down. 

Old Dodson's house is next to mine — 

(Though his is mine — he rents from me) 
I see him start uptown at nine, — 

That is, when I am up to see. 
He's eighty-three, the blue books state, 

And so his locomotion's tardy; 
But faithful still, he's never late, — 

A rare old conscientious card, he! 

They put a muffler round his neck. 

And fit him out with cap and cane; 
Thus officeward he'll slowly trek, 

And then at sunset home again. 
They take of him the greatest care; 

Too much, indeed, they cannot give; 
For long as death his life will spare. 

Upon his living they will live. 

16 



SUPERANNUATED. 

He had a son who " went away," 

But left six helpless ones, God bless 'em! 
And good old Dodson since that day 

Has lived to house and feed and dress 'em. 
And sometimes, when the snow falls deep. 

Or streets are glass, and that's at zero, 
The youngest girl his arm will keep 

And guide the poor old tottering hero. 

For years he dumbly worked away. 

An "extra" without preferment; 
And then, at half his current pay, 

They kindly made him permanent. 
His years of seivice thirty-three. 

In two, if he is still alive. 
He'll draw (God give him strength, like me) 

Two-thirds, retired, at eighty-five. 




17 



The ballad of cMonsieur UTweeleree, 



THE Monsieur I'Tweeleree 
Was a nob of high degree 
In the 1. c. days of pre-confederation; 
With a genealogee 
Of his early an-ces-tree 

Quite commensurable with his haughty station. 
His progenitor, a Gaul, 
Floated over in the fall 

At a period of franc (and free) invasion; 
And he called himself de Guerre 
Chevalier I'Pomme de Terre, 

To commemorate, in brass, the grand occasion. 

II. 

The Monsieur I'Tweeleree, 
By consanguinity — 

Collateral, and votes — became elected; 
And his talents were so vast, 
That ere many moons were past 

With a post and salaree he got connected. 
Then his trouble did begin. 
For from all his kith and kin 

Came demands for little promised jobs belated; 
In particular one John, 
Who did base his claim upon 

Many dozen bribes and votes impersonated. 

III. 

The Monsieur I'Tweeleree, 
Grand Commissionaire L. C, 

Pressed the button for his private secretary; 
And dictated, with an air 
Of administrative care, 

A reply to John's demands epistolary. 

18 



BALLAD OF MONSIEUR UTWEELEREE. 

In a vault sepulchral, grim. 
Archival, dusty, dim, 

To bring order out of chaos he could try. 
Though a task indeed Augean, 
Hard, incessant, Sisyphean, — 

And the secretary winked the other eye. 

IV. 

The Monsieur I'Tweeleree, 
Grand Commissionaire, et c. 

From his troubles took a nodding, napping rest; 
And the sun, in imitation 
Of that man of state and station. 

From Ms daily round was wearing to the West. 
Then, from out that chamber dusty. 
Damp and dismal, murky, musty, 

Came a solemn apparition, grimy, gray; 
And it said: "The task diurnal, 
Sir, you deemed for me eternal, 

Lo, your servant hath accomplished in a day! " 



Spake Monsieur I'Tweeleree 
In an elevated key. 

And his whiskers red took fire from his rage : 
Cease your bragging, blatant bellow! 
Get you gone, you fool and fellow! 

Greatest blockhead, bovine, blundering, of the 
age! 
Stay! he cried, I have a notion! 
O digest it, dull Boeotian! 

Unto dust return where dust so long has lain; 
Recreate that primal jumble. 
Disarrange, unsettle, tumble(?) 

Out of order make confusion there again. 

VI. 

Place each archive, deed, and docket 
In the packet, hole, or pocket 

That it quite forgotten filled until to-day; 
Put each parchment, page, state paper 

19 



BALLAD OF MONSIEUR UTWEELEREE. 

In its litter-all late shape or 

Pay me no more calls, although you call for pay. 
Set each atom, howe'er little 
And impalpably a tittle, 

On the spot it filled invisible before; 
Hang each cobweb lacerated 
Just as it had been located, 

And when that is done — just mix 'em up once 
more! 



VII. 

The Monsieur I'Tweeleree 
Long ago, from office free. 

Took a higher flight (which made another storey) ; 
But in spite of his demise, 
John the Appointee, grown wise, 

Held his tongue — and place — untouched by Whig 
or Tory. 
Long, for labor Sisyphean 
In that stable place Augean, 

Musty, fusty, dry as dust he drew his pay; 
And, for aught I know about it, 
Though Chronology may flout it, 

He may still be sweeping, sleeping there to-day. 




30 



T 



The Wise Guy* 

HERE was a youth in Western Ont. 
And he was wondrous wise; 
He filled a Civil Service " want," 
And thought he had a prize. 



His dad was grieved to see him go. 

But had to be content. 
" My Tom," he gravely said, " you know. 

Is in the Guvverment." 

And if he met a stranger from 

The Capital, he'd say: 
" By George! I guess you met my Tom! 

He's down at Ottaway. 

" The Prime-ear sent for Tom to come, 

And Tom he up and went. 
He's with the push down there, by gum! 

He's in the Guvverment." 

Now, Tom had entered on meantime 

Those hardships incident 
To zeal quite resolute to climb 

The heights of preferment. 

He came to work when dusters waved 

By corridor and stair; 
To be the very first, he braved 

And breathed that troubled air. 

While other chaps were still abed, 

This conscientious clerk 
Had signed the book an hour ahead 

And started in to work. 



THE WISE GUT. 

Unselfishly he tried to do 
What others tried to shirk. 

And they were quite unselfish, too; 
They let him do the work. 



He lost the glow of health, the tan, 

The vigor he had won 
By working with his arms, a man, 

Beneath the summer sun. 



He lost the inward glow of health, 

The suppleness of limb. 
That Nature from her boundless wealth 

Had given unto him. 



Yet other things might still have been 
That Nature had denied, 

Had not his county's member in- 
considerately died. 

And since the voice of Blank, M.P., 

Was now forever dumb, 
Unto his C. S. appointee 

Promotion did not come. 

Then sudden for that appointee 

The Service lost its charm, 
And turned his thoughts right tenderly 

Upon his father's farm. 

He heard, imaginative youth! 

The reapers pass again. 
And saw his sister stand, like Ruth, 

Amid the fallen grain. 

He heard, dear immemorial sound! 

The noon-time dinner call. 
And soft upon the grassy ground 

The early apples fall. 

32 



THE WISE GUT. 

He heard the flocking blackbirds sing 

Across the golden plain, 
And every sweet, imagined thing 

Made music in his brain. 

He saw, with retrospective eyes, 

Above the harvest land 
The round, red harvest moon arise, 

Majestically grand. 

So irksome grew his office lot. 

He saw the Dep. that day, 
And three weeks' leave of absence got, 

(And his September pay). 

And now, a youth in Western Ont. 

Is doubly wondrous wise. 
He fills his father's only want 

And knows he has a prize. 





23 



Stella* 

MAC NAUGHTON Fairchild Buckham Lee 
Was Secretary to the Chief; 
Past years of service, twenty-three. 
His knowledge, too, quite past belief; 
That is, a useful, unofficial knowledge 
Of little things he'd learned, somehow, at college. 

He lived on Latin roots, and loved 

To dig them from his dictionary; 
And words quite obsolete he shoved 

Into his style epistolary; 
While phrases writ in foreign tongues he'd find, 
Quite foreign to the lay Canadian mind. 

A formidable man was Mac, — 

That is, from heel and toe to shoulder; 

Deep-chested, tall, and broad of back, 
A sort of human bull, or boulder; 

And, therefore, who so framed and fit as he 

To draw at ease an ample salaree? 

He had been best employed, 'tis true. 
In weightier work of handling cases; 

Material ones of four by two, 
O. H. M. S. for various places; 

Containing stationery incidental 

To daily drudge, or dalliance, departmental. 

But no. He toiled at Pitman's style, 
And carved the pothooks of that system ; 

It would have made old Isaac smile 
To see that clerking giant twist 'em; 

Or pondering o'er some grammalogue elliptical, 

And cursing its quaint curves for being cryptical. 

24 



STELLA. 

It was a famous sight to see, 

Above his caligraphlc keys, 
The burly M. F. Buckham Lee 

Typewriting with undoubted ease; 
Selecting with an air of loving lingering 
Some coy young key to fit his forceful fingering. 

And in that office day by day 
There typed a maiden wise and witty; 

And she was modest, like her pay, — 
For she was neither pert nor pretty; 

Having alone a born and bred ability 

For handling correspondence with facility. 

It chanced — O dark official fate! 

The great MacNaughton Lee fell ill. 
His medical certificate — 

It cost him a two-dollar bill — 
Said that he needed rest, and recommended 
Three months abroad — all office care suspended. 

Then to the Chief's full notice came 

Miss Stella, under secretary. 
Before, he scarce had known her name. 

But ill's the wind that will not vary 
Miss-fortune; so at last, sans circumvention. 
Miss Stella found the Chief's deserved attention. 

He found Miss Stella swiftly cast, 

A star of never-failing brightness. 
The correspondence ne'er amassed 

Beneath alone her fingers' lightness. 
And so it came to pass he ceased to wonder 
How Mac had kept the correspondence under. 

He did not marry her, although 
His gain might thus have early ended; 

He held the mastery sweet, and so 
He held her where her talents tended. 

Thus singularly doubly is he blessed; 

She does the letters — Mac may do the " rest." 

25 



Jack 0'T>ee, 



THIS is the story of Jack O'Dee, 
First-class clerk in Department C, 
Who made an idol of clay his wife. 
Who married him not for love but life. 
Who squandered his money in hand, and then 
Ran him in debt for the eyes of men. 
Who winked and wondered that man could be 
As blind for an idol as Jack O'Dee. 



By the grace of God was Jack O'Dee 
Wifeless, and gray, at forty-three. 
Wifeless, and worn with her debt's demands, 
And children three on his spouseless hands. 
Yet taking them oft to her grave, and there 
Telling them infinite lies of her 
Who lifeless as living would ever be 
The idol of clay of Jack O'Dee. 



This was the sum that Jack O'Dee 

Did for the sake of his children three. 

Did for the sake of honor and pride. 

And her who had set the sum — and died: 

To labor till every dollar of debt 

At a hundred cents on the dollar was met. 

And at last, his neck from that millstone free. 

Was lifted the head of Jack O'Dee. 



Now, this was the luck of Jack O'Dee: 

Free from all debt but a day was he. 

From his office table they raised his head. 

And his face it was white and worn and dead. 

Under his hand a letter lay. 

Bearing the mark of the post that day. 

And some one had left, across the sea. 

Estates and a fortune to Jack O'Dee. 

26 



Gubbins* 



IT came, a dream of style and state, 
Of coronet and copperplate; 
The envelope betokened rank, — 
It bore His Excellency's frank. 

It hit the guileless Gubbins hard, 
It was for him a fatal card; 
The simple grandeur of its crest 
Quite broke the simple Gubbins' rest. 

He ordered evening dress that day, 
(The price took Gubbins' breath away), 
And bound himself in (k) nightly fee 
Unto the fair Terpsichore. 

That is, he went to dancing school, 
And learned, by mathematic rule. 
And honest application, how 
To polka, waltz, chass6 and bow. 

And in that gay, gregarious whirl 
He met a ripping, handsome girl. 
Who daily for her needed dough 
Sold lace for Remnant, Stock and Co. 

So much his pleasure she enhanced, 
"With no one else he ever danced; 
And, since her brother did not come. 
He saw her after midnight home. 

The eve august had come at last. 
The eager Gubbins' heart beat fast. 
It grieved his kindly landlayde 
To see him eat so little tea. 

27 



GUBBIN8. 

His brand new evening clothes were spread 
Like silk molasses on the bed; 
And as he tried them on with care. 
He careless hummed a waltzing air. 



His spirits could not be repressed; 
He tried a two-step while he dressed; 
Rehearsing, lest he should forget, 
His dancing master's etiquette. 



Complete by tailor-plate and plan. 
From tie to toe a new-made man, 
But nervous as the deuce withal. 
He started off for Rideau Hall. 



Announced in clear stentorian tones, 
He made his bow with shaking bones. 
And wandered on in doubtful glee 
To join the regal revelry. 

The ballroom was, to Gubbins' sight, 
A thing of wonder and delight. 
The ladies' dresses — and the rest — 
With ardour filled his simple breast. 

He wondered by what circumstance 

Of introduction he could dance. 

And then, — Chance gave, it seemed, the clue. 

He saw two fellows whom he knew. 

And one was Jones, and one was Brown, 
No sweller fellows in the town; 
And each was fellow-clerk, you see. 
Of Gubbins in Department G. 

But though he'd talked with them that day 
In office in a friendly way. 
They drew the line at Rideau Hall, — 
They did not know him now at all. 

28 



GUBBIN8. 

Perhaps you will recall that G 
Had eaten very little tea; 
So, more to view it than consume, 
He wandered to the supper-room. 



Now, Gubbins was a frugal sort; 
Gastronomy was not his forte; 
And that which met his modest sight 
Quite spoiled his gentle appetite. 



With clothes awry and faces flushed, 
Men jostled, shouldered, elbowed, pushed. 
It was (although the figure's tame), 
A sort of hand-and-foot-ball game. 

" Two salads here! " "A glass of wine! " 
" Confound you, waiter, that is mine! " 
" Three ices! " " Coffee! " " Quick, a jelly! 
(God of all gods, thou Human Belly! ) 



Coffee, wine, cup, and all the rest o't. 
Were spilled on gown and coat and waistcoat; 
And broad (shirt) bosoms bore away 
Mementoes of that mortal fray. 

But sudden clear above the noise 
Was heard the high vice-regal voice, 
Assuring those within the hall 
That there was food enough for all. 

Then Gubbins saw to his surprise 
Emerging, but triumphant-wise, 
From out that press of brawn and bones 
The noble forms of Brown and Jones. 

They joined two ladies sitting by. 
And Gubbins' calmly curious eye 
Grew sudden bright with interest, too, — 
The girls were girls that Gubbins knew. 

29 



GUBBINS. 

The daughters of the kind M, P. 
Who got him in Department G, — 
He took, through courtesy, a chance 
To ask the eldest girl to dance. 

She gave him, with a frigid stare. 
The shoulder cold — as well as bare; 
And, taking pattern from her gown. 
She " cut " his aspirations down. 

Then Gubbins sought the open air. 
Where he could calmly think — and swear. 
He called himself a cursed fool, 
And wished himself in — dancing school. 

Bright thought! To see his single fair. 
He double paid to hurry there. 
He found the charmer that he sought, 
And saw her home at twelve-three-nought. 




80 



Diaphanous T>ay* 



MAUDE Madolin Knight and Diaphanous Day 
Were birds of official feather; 
They were parallels in a clerkly way, 
(Except in the trifles of work and pay), 
And wrote in one room together. 

That is. Day worked by her each day 
That Madolin Knight was clerking; 
But he worked by night deprived of " K," 
For she never worked by night by Day, 
As she ridiculed over-working. 

Maude Madolin Knight a thousand drew. 

With a yearly increase of fifty; 
Six hundred per annum to Day was due. 
And he got a yearly increase, too, — 

For his wifey was never ihrifty. 

Now, Maude though plain was plump, and the page 

Of her years was but thirty-seven; 
And the trifling difference of work and wage 
Should have been o'erlooked, at Diaphanous' age. 

To live in that clerking heaven. 

But daily more dark Diaphanous' view 

Became of his sordid, sad lot; 
And he thought of the bills that were always due, 
(While plumper Miss Maude and her savings grew). 

And the wherewithal that he had not. 

And he framed by night with a hopeful hand. 

Long pleadings epistolary; 
Would the Deputy press his just demand 
When the Estimates were being planned? 

And the Deputy murmured, " Nary! " 



DIAPHANOUS DAY. 

Then he sought the long (long suffering) ear 

Of the Private Secretary. 
Would the Minister not incline to hear 
His claim for something, at least, this year? 

And the Minister murmured, " Nary! " 

And said, in an incontrovertible way, 

(For the hint was more kind than subtle), 
" There are scores of men in my riding, Day, 
Who are pressing me for your post and pay." 
And what had old Day in rebuttal? 

But Fate, in a manner exceeding grim. 
Brought Day his deferred promotion. 
And his cup was filled to the bitter brim 
When the Grippe took his family all from him, 
And left him alone on Life's ocean. 

There came to the Minister's room, they say, 

A plain and substantial vision. 
" I am going to marry Diaphanous Day," 
She said, " so you have to increase his pay. 

And give him a nice position! " 

The Minister smiled, and inclined his head, 
And his voice it was bland and mellow. 

" It shall be as you wish, my dear," he said. 

" For I've always thought that the man you'd wed 
Would be a deserving fellow ! " 




1C0ME most regular at Eight, 
My punctuality's unswervin'; 
I'm sure I do not wish to prate, 
But still my record's most deservin'. 
While others come at half-past nine. 
It's always bin my great ambition 
To be the Very First to Sign 

The Book, an' hold that high position. 

The offices an' corridors 

Is owned, when I arrive, by ladies, 
A-mopping of the stairs and floors. 

An' generally raisin' Hades. 
So, seein' there's no room for me 

To work (if I'd the inclination), 
I turn my steps regretfully 

Unto my otTier destination. 

I've got the marketin' to do. 

An' if the mornin's fine and sunny, 
It's pleasant, an' it's payin', too, 

When you've a little ready money. 
I like to nose around, an' find 

The price o' meat an' truck and so on. 
There's money saved, if you've a mind 

To spare the time, an' cash to go on. 

By nine, unless I get a ride, 

With all that I can carry handy 
I foot it home. I've no false pride, 

I ain't no " Rideau calling " dandy. 
An' maybe, half-way home, I'll meet 

Some fellows to the office dawdlin'. 
Who grin like fools across the street. 

An' air their witticisms maudlin. 

L.ofC. '' 



PUNCTUAL. 

" What! workin' extra for the Chief? 

" He's ruined, if it's by the hour. 
"•An' what's the price of lamb an' beef, 

"An' cabbage, corn, an' cauliflower? 
"But won't he let you 'cab it' there? 

" I'm sure the Auditor would pass it. 
" Contingency of travelin' fare, 

" Account of Maintenance, he'd class it." 

At twelve, quite punctual, as is due 

To family rules, I'm off to dinner. 
I try to be on time there, too. 

An' regularly I'm a winner. 
Then, after dinin' at my ease, 

A nap, a gossip with my neighbor. 
An' smoke, as punctual as you please 

I'm off again to office labor. 

I'm through quite punctual at four. 

But sometimes, without provication. 
Just as I've closed my office door. 

Some clerk will want " some information." 
And I just give him some, you bet! 

" Young man," I says, " I give you warnin', 
I've regular hours; an' don't forget 

I signed the Book at Eight this mornin'! " 




34 



Tapeley. 



OH, listen while I tell 
The tale of Mr. Tapeley. 
He was a nice young swell, 
So slender-wise and shapely. 
In cloth and cut his guise 

Was paralleled by no man; 
And in the choice of ties 
He showed a hand quite Roman. 

I do not really know 

The Romans ever wore 'em. 
I'm very certain, though, 

That one chap did before 'em. 
Bad Absalom, 'tis writ. 

Beneath an oak to pass thought; 
Got neck-tied up by it. 

Which made a knotty Ascot. 



T. had a nice fat sit. 

Though slenderly he filled it. 
Instead of warming it. 

His cheek untimely chilled it. 
He toiled an office in 

Of Departmental working. 
And monthly drew his tin 

For his diurnal clerking. 



Unto the favored few 

His manners were punctilious; 
Unto the common crew 

His air was supercilious. 
If calling, you might wait 

Or hie away to Hades, 
While Tapeley chose to prate 

Per telephone to ladies. 

35 



TAPELEY. 

Young Tapeley got in there 

By proximate exertion; 
Young Tapeley's efforts were 

Phlegmatically tertian. 
Old Tapeley's fluency 

And ink-well bagged the bounty 
Of Y. R. Pull, M. P. 

For Mecca Valley County. 



There to that ofl5ce came 

One day a woolly stranger; 
He did not know his name. 

But Tapeley murmured, " Granger! 
His garb was gray, and bagged; 

His beard was long and limber; 
No nob, although he tagged 

A knobby piece of timber. 

In gruff, unfettered tones 

He asked for Mr. Tapeley; 
Which made young Tapeley's bones 

Mandibular go gapely. 
The clerks slipped off to where 

They haw-hawed to a hiccough; 
And left young Tapeley there 

His wandered wit to pick up. 

The stranger wanted such 

A lot of information; 
And questioned very much. 

To Tapeley's consternation. 
Our imports, duties, trade, — 

Of such his talk abounded. 
While Tapeley's answers made 

Confusion worse confounded. 



The knowledge he essayed 
To show was past perplexing; 

His tongue likewise betrayed 
A rudeness largely vexing; 

36 



TAPELEY. 

Until at last the gent, 

So seemingly agrarian, 
In indignation went 

To see the Secretary 'un. 

Dear Reader (I invest 

My tale with this assumption). 
The " stranger " you have guessed. 

With all a reader's gumption. 
Yet — do not be surprised — 

I, too, was wrong, between us. 
It was not, as surmised, 

That Mecca Vale Maecenas. 

Oh, no! He was a wig 

Of academic luster; 
A sage in science big 

As any school could muster. 
His titular degree 

Was syllabic and splendid; 
An abecedary 

Of sapience suspended. 

A man of letters he, 

Beyond the scope of stanza; 
To tell a tithe would be, 

Or seem, extravaganza; 
B. C, A. D., D. V.,— 

My metre loth must lop 'em; 
P. S. and F. U. B., 

And Baronet to top 'em. 

And that is — entre nous — 

Why Tapeley was 'retired'; 
Moreover, P. D. Q., 

Though Pull his protest wired. 
Experience his head 

Inherits — dura mater. 
Meanwhile he eats the bread, — 

A cottage loaf — of Pater. 



37 



double Foolscap, 



OH, I am a marginal waste of white! 
Or blue, as the case may be; 
On which, in the middle, the clerks may write, 
In the middle precise of me. 
And then with a number, address, and date, 

(For to such is my chief est claim), 

A messenger carries me forth in state, 

And the Great Man signs his name! 

Then forth I go to the farming man. 

Or My Lord, as the case may be; 
And each, according unto his plan. 

Most solemnly taketh me. 
" Mayhap 'tis a gracious deed of land," 

Is the sanguine farmer's prayer; 
And he openeth me with an eager hand, 

And straightway he readeth there: 

" Dear Sir: The Department of P. D. Q. 

Begs to acknowledge receipt 
Of a letter lately received from you, 

(It was written on half a sheet!) 
And this Department desires to say. 

Without any equivocation. 
That the subject of yours shall without delay 

Have every consideration." 

Then the farmer he smiteth my face in rage, 

And he rends me in twain, and then 
On the half of the half of my blank back page 

He writes with a rusty pen: 
" Dear Sirs: Your Department I have to thank 

For the present of stationeree. 
But a good deal less paper, and none of it blank. 

Would be more to the point to me! " 

38 



DOUBLE FOOLSCAP. 

My Lord he beholdeth my lordly crest. 

Yet seemeth nothing to care he; 
For he passeth me on with the common rest 

To his Private Secretary. 
And the Secretary, as one who signs 

A warrant for some one's head, 
Writeth " File " in large letters across my lines, 

And this message is filed unread: 



" My Lord: I have the honor to state, 

For your Lordship's information. 
There has been received upon this date 

Your Lordship's communication. 
And if, My Lord, I may say it again, 

I have but to add one word. 
That I have the honor to humbly remain 

Your obedient servant, My Lord." 




jiiai 



lyo"^ 



FEB. 28 1902 

m. 5 190k 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



014 7091308 i 




